So had a great day yesterday with Jwei and TL! Just wasting time at town doing nothing. Attempt to get my Vans shoes and to my surprise (!!!) secondary friend told me he's interning at Vans! Thats quite interesting, but no he isn't in Retail Management or shoe course (is there even such a course?!) A fellow classmate from sec 3-4, Guoyuan! He said he could get better offer so crossing my fingers he really can!
Slack around town, got myself a positive film and I'm gonna attempt to use it on my disderi! Okay most people hardly use a positive film on disderi but I think I'm gonna try and see how it goes! Can't wait for my lomo photos with my CCA mate! She's got 4 of mine with her!
So we were enjoying ourselves, going back to secondary school days. I can't help but to always do so. Imagine how would life be now, without meeting the people you met, and without getting closer to people who you are close to now. I could have been in NYP now in fact, now that I think back, I was so sure of myself, that I could enter top 3 of my choices (both JPSAE and JAE) There was just this weird feeling I was so sure of, I would enter in these 3 choices. Always wondered, if I didn't, what would life be and where would I stand? I can't even imagine the life different from what it is now.
Then we talked about friends and family. You know, what I feel is, there's this magical thing call- Bond. Its something that does wonders to your relationship with, be it your friends and family. Its not something given or fostered overtime. Okay I sound like I don't make any sense but its like, a bond is something which you either have or you don't. You can't fake a bond. Each individuals you made contact with, its like you already have a bond there, just waiting to be discovered whether if its a good one, or a not so good one. Kinda pre-determined whether or not will your relationship with this person be good or bad.
Which kinda boils down to family. You know, too many countless times I've thought to myself, friends are forever if possible and I hope so but one day they all are gonna get themselves partners, and even so, they all have burdens on their own. Everyone has a fair share of the problem pie. Everyone has their own problems and no one can determine how big or small it is to their lives. Something small to someone could mean the world to another person! So who are we to judge how little or massive anyone's problems is? So you can never say someone's problem is smaller than yours or what not. It just isn't the same.
So....both of them were talking about how their parents treats them, and how funny their parents are. It was cool though! I love listening to people's experiences and how they live with family members. Their mother, father, siblings, cousins and anyone! I just love listening to people's story. I could sit down all day, listening to my friends share all their stories they have! Anything and everything!! You know thats true! Hahah, I mean I'm not bragging but I really love it when people share their joy with me! Its a nice thing.
Yeah but on a side note, I can't help feeling abit upset though. I mean, hearing all these makes me wonder if I'll ever share something like that with any of my family? Don't get me wrong! I do love hearing all this, but its just that, sometimes I can't help feeling this way. After all, since young I do yearn for a happy family and I'll be honest about this, I still do. By happy family I mean, a complete family, having all 4 of us sitting down in a table, eating and maybe say, watching some television show and laughing together? If I don't remember wrongly, the closest I've felt having a family-like dinner was with when I had steamboat with my Poly friends? Or having a meal with a group of friends, be it primary, secondary or Poly. Just a simple meal, nothing fancy or grand, just a meal and everyone all together. Simply just enjoying each other's lame, cheesy jokes, or someone snatching food, or everyone talking about how their day went.
Reality is, I'll never be able to fulfill this simple wish. Every time I think of my family, or when I come across the word family, I can't help but to think of my friends instead. Is this even normal!? I don't know! The bond I share with any of my immediate family members is hatred, anger, sadness, disappointment and not forgetting gratefulness (to my father) but nothing more than that. I can't imagine anything happier with them. For my father, he's been out of my life, for so many years. You know, like how drama depicts it, when a parent goes out of your life for long period of your life, especially your childhood, its something you cannot go back and relive it again. I can't go all child-like and expect them to treat me like a kid. I can't go back in time, to experience the love that I've been yearning for. I can't turn back into time and do things differently!!!
Things will never be the same again.
Now the conflicting feeling comes in, half of me always tell myself that I should look forward to what is ahead and not dwell on the past but the truth is I can't! To me, life still goes on yes, I still try to make the best of what I can, but that doesn't mean I can get over what has happened to me. This side of me tells myself I shouldn't go back and bring misery to myself, but the other half knows that these feelings, insecurities and fear I've felt since young, it can't just go away just like that. Half of me thinks time will heal everything but the other half just can't let it go.... Ugh.
I'm not gonna even begin with my mother or brother. I don't know if I should be thankful in any ways at all that because of them, I have to go through so much shit, pain, misery and anything bad you can think of. Make myself stronger? Honestly I don't know.
On top of that..... when I face the crisis of my life, when that very thing happened to me, there was no one there. No one at all. My mother just brushed it off, and treat as if nothing happened, or she thought I was strong enough to deal with it. I had no one to talk to. All I needed was someone to hear me out. How did I survive? Just exactly how...... My brother? I don't know what to say.
The fear still lives inside me and I still don't know how to go about doing something about it. I guess maybe I just have to admit to fate, or destiny that this is the life I lead. Be positive about it? Never knew how to go about doing so.
All I wanted was someone or something that would hold on to me..
Sorry this had to end in such a sad tone, I really tried and I'm still trying but its just too tiring to keep this going :(
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