Thoughts

Honestly, there are just countless times I feel so faithless and helpless. About what? Myself and my life.



Its not like I want/like to be sad, but there's really genuinely nothing to be happy about. There's no one at all that I can talk to. All these while I've been telling myself I will get through this, I will and I must because I will not just fall just like that. However, its just too difficult. Its like, you're trying to get over something but something ahead falls on you and adding on the burden. People wonder why I get so upset all the time, over what?



There are just things I can't say. Afraid of judgement and rejection. There are just so many things I keep to myself. Everyone has their own share of problems, and thus there are times that I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Not even my friends, but the irony is that friends are there to help you when you're down. However, I just don't know who to look for because I'm just too afraid of what you might think. I don't deny that there are times I want to just, disappear and be gone from the face of the world. I still have these feelings.



I can't express how I feel through words very clearly but its just issues I have to deal everyday of my life and I'm tired. I'm sick of everything and everyone around me. I'm sick of my life. I hate myself. Can you understand that kind of feeling? To hate yourself so badly. Attempts to suicidal thoughts? There's just no one I can talk to. I don't want to burden anyone yet I hope that someone can help me. Then again, people say that you are the one to brave through and pick up where you fall but I don't know how to?!



You see, this is the kind of mental-battle I go through everyday. All the time, everywhere I go and anyone I'm with. To put up a brave front so no one will think I'm weak? It doesn't make things better than I'm a guy and I'm all weak and emotional and shit. What am I suppose to do with my life? Let natural take its course? Ignore and move on in life?



The problems I face, isn't short time problems, or problems can be settled in just a snap. Its repeated issues I've been dealing with since I was young, and by young I really mean young. I've ever thought of seeing a counsellor, but that will need money and do I have them? No. Friends tell me that I think too much but you see, this isn't just about myself but the people around me and my future. Sometimes even, there are things that happened before that still haunts me. I can't move on. Its been years but I still can't move on. I freaking wonder why must things like this happen to ME. I'm weak? I'm not strong enought to deal with it thats why it happened to me? It fears me so bad that sometimes I dare not see anyone at all... I'm scared that it will happen to me again..



I just don't know what to do and what to feel anymore... I guess even now my friends who see me posting 'emo' stuff, they probably think "Oh he's being emo again.", "Oh okay, guess he'll be fine so I don't have to care.". Some probably don't even bother.. The truth is nobody cares, thats the cruel fact I was forced to accept. Wherever did all the hope and care gone to? In the bottom of my heart, I know that I refuse to accept the conclusion that everyone live as an individual. At some point of time we will have to be on our own, but there are times too that we have our friends as our backup. Its always comforting to know that you've got friends to fall on.



If you notice, there is just literally 2 sides of me. Once is trying to accept the cruel reality but another is giving myself hopes, but are those false hopes? I really don't know..



Sometimes I just want to stop thinking about anything... or best just to die? Sigh. People are probably going to be judgemental and see me in a different light, but it doesn't make any difference does it??



I disgusts myself. I hate everything about myself. Why was I born in the first place?



Well, I guess now that you've understand more about how my brain functions. Go ahead and judge me. Mock me all you want. I've lost all the strength to move on...