Maybe I was never meant to be...

Guess I have to go through the different way.


Do you know what is the feeling when, you look forward to something, and what you is only sheer disappointment. Nothing but only things which you only wished you had a chance to go back.



So many things, I wished I could have go through once more. Not the pain and misery, but to relive them, differently.



I don't know how long can I stay sane enough to speak, blog, or even to live pass everyday. I'm sick of going through everyday, it's a living tormet for me, especially when I have to constantly be on my guard.



Going through what others didn't have to go through. I never even wanted this option. I wasn't given a choice, instead, what I got in return, is all the pain, misery, agony and self-pity.



I'm probably sounding very pathetic now. No wait, I am being an idiot now, wallowing into self-pity.



Bullshit. I can't even think properly, now can I?



You won't know what it's like to face yourself everyday, trying to tell yourself you are strong, and tell yourself it's all a past, yet you can't help but to, hide into the corner of your own world, hiding away from reality. Just so that I can make me, feel better about myself.




To make something out of nothing, is not just about being brave. You need all the strength, fairth and hope.



I don't even respect myself, what more trying to be someone whom others can respect?



I'm tired of living days, living in self-denial.



From all, to nothing. Maybe I had nothing to begin with.



When you pity yourself, that is the only the start. Day by day, things will evolve, and soon you won't even know yourself. Don't even wanna hear your name.You feel your name irks you, piss you and even detest the name.



I keep telling myself, things will be fine, but it never was.



I don't even want to face myself, what more the world?




You probably think it's just another bad day for me. Think again.



You assume I'm just trying to get some attention so people will start to pity me. Think again.



You wanna try to comfort me, and hope I'll feel better, in fact, I never did, cause I'm always the reason why I feel I'm shit.




Living in the shadows of my past, you know how terrible is that? I keep telling myself, I'm already very lucky, and I should live the moment but you just don't know how tough is it to do it. Making myself feel better this way, only stops this feeling, but it comes back haunting me again.



I've tried long enough.



You probably won't even make sense of anything I've just said, but it doesn't matter.



I can't just get over it. Sad but true, but oh well.....