Thats how cruel reality is, to you, and me.
You never know how tough life is to you yeaah? Well, on the other hand, you also might never how fortunate you are already. Works both ways I guess?
Do you agree that today was a very awesome and fun-filled day? If you agree, please ignore what is written from the line you'll see, all the wayy till the next line. After which you'll see happy stuff.
However, if you are like me, who probably face yet another shit and feels-so-worse-day-of-life event, then you probably would wanna read on what's in the space from the line you'll see, till the next you see.
Of course you're free to read what you want, since I'm the one posting. Feels like talking nonsense right? -.-
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Yes, for all the times, I probably don't do things that make you proud, am I right? Never once in your life, did I make you feel worthy of being my mother.
Have this ever come acrossed your mind, that your son here, is actually vexed/stressed/annoyed/irritated/having a mindset of dying/pissed?
You never was ever happy with me. Or at least I never felt you were. You always tell me and compare me with other kids. Always saying how other kids listen to their parents and carries on emphasizing how I was so different. Like how I don't listen and talk back with you and stuff.
Have you ever think about how I feel?
When I was born, I guess I didn't have much of a choice to actually choose which parent I wanted to be with. Initially, I was with my father, until I was about 2years old, you decided to bring me back with you.
Did I have a choice?
That isn't the question. Instead, it's a decision made by you, that you wanted to raise me up.
With only motherly love, and the aid of family members around me, I guess I grew.
I remember clearly, when I was in pre-school, I used to wonder why are there so many parents to pick their children up. Instead, I had to go home with my maid. Oh yes, I realized how lucky life was when I had maid when I was young. Being treated well, and that could be a compensation made to me?
To have a better life.
Wait, but that isn't what I wanted. Instead, what I wanted was my mother to spend more time with me. Quality time.
I remembered that, there was once you really did came and pick me up from school.I was really elated. I was joyful, and I really felt I was being loved. Surprising?
Well, that isn't the end just yet.
The story continues. Back when I was in primary 3. I was asked to do a homework, and it was a science assignment. To actually find out your family-tree and draw it. The first thing I thought of was, "Teacher, how do I draw mine? My father and mother is divorced. Do I draw like normal but I use different colours to show that they are divorced?"
I'm surprised. Really. At a age like this, I didn't know the pain and sorrow of thinking about it.
For all my primary school years, there were countless of school events that needed parents to be around. Be it to show your support to your child, or participating in the activities.
You never came.
I guess back then, I didn't think too much about it, and just had the simple-mindset and assuming you were busy and didn't have the energy to attend. I wanted you to have more rest since you're working so hard outside.
Thus, I never expected much from you.
There was also countless times, when I was young, when you came back home from work. Wee hours. All the weird timings.
My brother and I, would hear the wooden door, slammed.
You would make lots of noises and started to whine and feeling so drunk.
Guess what my brother and I did?
We cried. We knew clearly, you were drunk. We cried as we hear all the noises being made. The sounds of the cries was even more obvious whenever you hitted out door as well.
As specially myself. I know clearly you are working hard and trying. I cried even more.
You never really did care about what I really wanted. Ever since young, I was the son of yours, that never knew how to speak up. Instead, it's always your elderly son of yours, that knew how to speak up. He knew how to get about telling people what he wanted.
So, ever since young, people around me used to say how good I was as compared to my brother. I was always the saint-liked son as compared to my brother in front of others.
However, that was the difference.
The difference between my brother and I. My brother was never the emotional type, and he clearly knew what he wanted. He was the son who probably knew what was right for him. Making the decisions he know he won't regret.
On the other hand, I was the opposite. I was and still am the emotional type. Easily affected by my friends around me back when I was young. Never really did speak up for what I really wanted in life.
Primary 6 was probably the toughest year ever..
Apart from PSLE, it was also the year that an event happened to me.
I was hurt, I was emotionally stabbed. I didn't know what to do.
To make things worse, you never did care. You took it that I was strong enough, but I am strong. However, all I ever wanted was to spend more time with you.
Primary school moments are really still vivid in my mind. Days when I was being caned by leather belt. Now did I realize, that can be called as child-abuse.
Days when I was in primary school, when all my 6years, I had people from other classes kept calling me sisi/ah guas/ ba pok. All the insults which I never knew how to deal with. In return, now I have weakness.
I have very high level of self-consciousness around people. I am very sensitive to any comments made to me.
Now when I think about it, I was really verbally, and physically bullied when I was in primary school.
Yes, then things got better, and you got married when I was P5 I remembered. All and stuff.
I remembered I had to call a guy who I always thought of as 'uncle', to a person who now know as my 'daddy'.
Did you ever asked for how I felt? No, once again, you never did.
You didn't. You made me go through all these.
I never knew how to handle all this. I was like what? Still a kid maturing in process?!
How in the world would a kid understand all this?! Have you thought of that? No, you didn't.
You told me not to tell lies, but you always was the one telling the lies.
Years goes by, I started to grow. I started to know what my life was all about. I had the aftermath mentality of your divorce.
WERE YOU EVER THERE TO THINK FOR ME?
ANSWER IS NO, BECAUSE YOU NEVER DID KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANTED.
Do I have a chance to speak? Never. Ever. You will always deny things, and then make excuses for it, forever this way.
Till now, after so many years, so many things has been going on in life.
I bet you never even knew your son was a headprefect.
Do you care? No.
Does it matter? No, it doesn't to you.
Now, I'm leading a life where you can say I am turning to an adult.
Still, you don't let things be the way it should be.
Everyday, you spoil the kids. When they want chocolate, you give them. Why? Thats only because you don't want them to make noise. Comparing to me and what I've been through?
Lets not compare, but should you even spoil them!?
When they start spoiling my things, you say it's my fault.
Everything I do, is always wrong.
Do you know what I wanna shout at your face?
FUCK.
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY DID THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SON WANTS HERE? NO, YOU NEVER WILL BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU ARE RIGHT. HAPPY? WHEN YOUR SON WAS GOING THROUGH ALL THIS FUCKING PAINFUL EVENTS, WERE YOU THERE TO HELP ME? NO, AND EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS NO.
Happy now? Your son feels empty inside, and there's too many things I feel that is wrong.
Jonathan Toh Chin Yong is a useless shit. I should never be born. Why give me all this misery? I feel that I am just nothing, even though the fact I had made something out of my life.
I feel empty inside, now and forever...
Never did you, and never will you know what I really want.
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Okay, I think I'm moodless now.
I guess I need some time to cool off...
To think through, all that has happened, and still ongoing.
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