Fall

Missing my laptop really dearly but there are some thoughts that I really wanna pen them down on this space.



Just 4 more weeks to the end of internship. It's both good and bad. Sure I've said this before but time really flies. Especially when you look back and think about it. I'm sure you've always wondered why time passes really slow when you're living it but when you stop, pause and recall. It never fails to amuse me, how time really flows.



People fall all the time.



In life, we always get ourselves upset when we fall, but with time, we learn to pick ourselves up and then move on. This process only goes one way, and you can't carry on with a step missing or in wrong order.



Think about it. If you move on without picking yourself up/getting over it, you'll only end up not moving on because you did not get over it and our heart still sees it as a painful memory. However, if you manage to get over it, but refuse to move on, then you're still stuck there.



So you see, either way, the steps of recovering must not be missing on in wrong order because it will not work in any other ways. Some people are better at the former while some are better at the latter. It doesn't matter which you're better at, because at the end of the day, you need to be good at both somehow. Or at least know that you can't run away.



Escapism. Many might be able to relate to this quite well. Then you're similar to me. I choose to escape from my pain and move on but, it haunts me every now and them you see. Sometimes I applaud at how strong I am to be able to move on because some people can't do so. However, sometimes the choice really isn't there. Forced to move on because even if you don't, the world doesn't stop for you. Life still goes on. So I guess because of that mentality I have, I never fail to move on but because of that, I don't have enough time to grief over the painful experience...



I don't know how many people out there are also going through the same experience but what I do know is, it is not something anyone would want to put themselves into. The kind of mind battle you have to go through is never ending. Furthermore, it's really exhausting. I can't help but to feel so tired and try to stay positive. No I can't. It's just tired beyond my limits. There's just too much to handle for anyone even the stronger ones. It's not how strong or how much you can handle but it's about how this is a torture for your mind, body and soul. If I had a choice, I really don't want to go through any of this. Can't help wondering why do I have to put myself into so much misery.



With that said, it's not like I want things to be this way. Like anyone else, I would love to be happy at home, be happy with who I am, and lead a life not problem free but torture free... To be a happier person and bring joy to everyone else.. To be less of a burden to anyone because I think I'm a really big burden to everyone ),:



Pretty much blogged what I felt like saying. Gonna crash because I'm really too tired to process anymore thoughts and/or emotions. Goodnight.



Sometimes I really want to wakeup knowing everything is changing for the better but no, things never seem to be like this. I just want to let everything out but I don't know where to begin ): I really really cannot take any of this anymore......... ):

Proud

National Day 2011.

Last year, I remember myself lazing through the whole day. Doing nothing. I remember even wanting to watch SNSD (they were airing some Korean festival if I'm not wrong) but I kinda slept through it. What nonsense. Hahah.

Well, for me, this year, it isn't very different from last year. I am rotting away my day. Just that I had to feel crap halfway through the day....

Every year this very day, I feel most proud of my dad. My father. Though I'm not sure if he parachuted this year, but whenever I hear his name (for some of the years) I really feel so proud of him, and maybe for once I feel proud to be his son. The feeling is overwhelming, always.

Though my heart really aches, whenever I think why are we so distant.. It really kills me from the inside whenever I think why is my family situation so, unusual. Complicated.

Nevertheless, I'm always grateful to my dad. He might not have lived with me through my childhood, but I'm really glad I have him to depend on when I really need help..

I honestly don't know what lies ahead of me, things in my house might get really worse... I'm really scared deep down inside, sometimes to the point I really just wanna hide and never come out.

Next year, I might be in NS and might not get to see him at his best. Well but I really just hope, that things won't get any uglier anymore...

I really hope...